Day 20 in recovery.
I woke up with fear and resentment pounding in my head…
However, it wasn’t as loud as it used to be…
Like the days after I had spent $100 plus on booze. The stark raving mad days when the voices in my head were roaring like a jet engine.
Those days were hell for me…
They were a special kind of hell where all of the regrets and broken promises you made to yourself gather together like a torch bearing mob intent on burning the blasphemy out of your soul. It’s kind of like a demented rooster cawing at you until your ears bleed. Telling you to wake up face the music but the music is the siren call of failure.
Add that to a pounding headache, dry heaving in the sink. and raw naked anxiety that hinders all your productivity. And you have yourself a perfect recipe for major depression.
I had no moves, no choice.
I was completely powerless to my addiction.
But, today was different. Day 20 in recovery was different. I still had negative thoughts but I also had a choice to not drink over them. They were not as deafening as before. I had space between the insanity. Serenity was peering its angelic head.
I woke up with rational thought it was my chance to make a move.
I chose to first make my bed and then go for a run.
I put my headphones on selected the Neil Young station on Pandora and walked out into the soft sun. Then I ran. I ran hard, and with each stride, my anger and rage, the seeds of my alcoholism began to fade away like an angry ghost accepting its fate.
It was a summer day. I ran by beautiful smiling people; tourists in rented rickshaws with their little families. I saw the day glow neoprene clad runners training for the newest marathon with their series 2 apple watches strapped to their wrist recording there every heart beat. I saw couples taking selfies, holding hands, and being in love. I also saw the ones who were not smiling. The addicts sleeping in the park with sun beaten faces and a roadmap of misery and bad choices.
I felt grateful to have a choice this day because so many others did not.
However, I also felt sad and wished I could just touch them with a magic wand and cure them of their pain.
After my run, I proceeded to Starbucks to write a cover letter for a job. I sat in the chair and watched people, my mind still racing, still comparing itself to others.
I did not let the resentments consume me. I knew that they would go away. I knew that my idea of reality was mistaken.
Emotions, I learned in recovery, were just like passing clouds.
It was around 5:00 pm when I left Starbucks. I felt good. I felt accomplished. I went to the next meeting, the topic was secrets and how they say in the rooms “we are only as sick as our secrets”, yes, it’s so true.
It was a heavy meeting with some celebrating time while others lamented their problems, but afterward, I was able to give back what was so freely given to me. I helped someone who was in a worse situation than myself and that is the best feeling in the world.
I also completed my third step today and truly gave my will over to a power greater than myself.
I write this for others who are on the same path as I and to let them know they are not alone. Day 20